EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Okay, you know how it is - you're browsing through a site or article on the internet, and you come across a link or some information that you just have to look into further - even though every brain cell that has any sanity left is screaming at you to just leave well enough alone. Well, I just came across one of those things and opted not to listen to my few remaining sane brain cells...

I was reading a news article that caught my eye. It's about an apartment building (in Winnipeg, I believe) that is infested with bedbugs. The building, I say, not just one or two apartments. Okay, so it was bad enough reading that article. But did I stop there? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... I had to go and do a search on bedbugs, just to satisfy my curiosity as to what they look like.

Now, it would have been bad enough just seeing what they look like - anyone who knows me knows my complete and total aversion to all insect life - but of course I couldn't stop there. I just had to read the accompanying articles which went on to describe what they do, how they live, etc. The worst bit was reading about how to tell if you have them.

The little buggers (pardon the pun) actually leave stains on things - like mattresses, and other areas that they hide in. I was horrified to discover that these stains are, as they so politely put it, excrement. The little monsters actually leave shit all over the place! And you can see it - quite clearly, I might add! (Yes, they had pictures of it!) It was horrifying to see that a small insect could leave such copious amounts of crap that are so highly visible! Ugh! Not only that, as bedbugs actually suck blood out of people, it is very likely that a person would find blood stains on the bed linen due to crushing the little devils in the middle of the night. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

Of course, all of that wasn't good enough for me. No sireeee! I had to follow up on a tidbit in one of the articles (what, you thought I stopped at just one of the bedbug articles? Hell no!) which stated that another sign of a bedbug infestation was if you also had Masked Hunters on the loose in your house. What's a Masked Hunter, you ask? Go ahead, ask me about them - I was insane enough to read several articles about them too...

Okay, Masked Hunters are a type of Assasin Bug. They are called Masked Hunters because the young nymphs coat themselves in dust whilst crawling around the house - I believe it's as a type of camouflage... Anyhow, these Masked Hunters feed on bedbugs - they feed on things by sucking the fluid out of them. Charming, no? Mind you, if I had bedbugs, I'd probably not be too upset to see the Masked Hunters going after them. Nah, scratch that. I'd be moving as far the hell away as I could - after piling all my worldly possessions on the lawn and having a huge bonfire.

These Masked Hunters don't feed on humans, however, they will bite if provoked or mishandled. Now, I ask you - who the hell in their right minds would want to be handling one in the first place?????????? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!! Ahem... Most of the articles I read advised that if one of these Masked Hunters should land on you (yes, they fly - joy of joys), you should just gently brush it away. I have to wonder if that's before or after I entertain the neighbours with wild screams and contortions? And they also suggest that if you find one in your home, you treat it carefully, and brush it gently up into a dustpan and put it outside. Excuse me? Handle? Brush it on a dustpan? Actually carry it outside? The heck with that noise - I find one in my house, it's 50 - 100 whacks with the most solid shoe I can get my hands on!!!!!!!! That puppy's going to Assasin Bug heaven,immediately!!!

Oh I almost forgot to mention - apparently they have quite a nasty bite too. As opposed to bedbugs, which apparently are for the most part painless, although people often develop welts after a bedbug bite due to the secretions used by the critters when they bite you and suck your blood out. Isn't that just lovely?

After reading those enlightening, and admittedly morbidly interesting, articles, I now feel as if I have 10 million insects crawling all over every surface of my body. I suspect that before the next 1/2 hour is up I will have scratched at least 10 layers of skin off! And the thought of going to bed tonight has definitely lost its appeal - I think I may have to pull everything apart to double check for bedbug droppings... On second thought, since I just washed all my bedding last night, I think I would have noticed anything amiss while I was making the bed. Okay, okay - so I know I don't have bedbugs. But geez, after reading all that...

Once again - ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!! Now, aren't you all glad I was kind enough to share this information with you? (batting eyelashes) Y'all sleep tight - don't let the bedbugs bite! (bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!)